There is such a thing as dating from a distinctly Christian perspective.
Cathexis is a word used to describe the powerful emotional experience commonly known as "falling in love". It is clinically described as the sudden collapse of the ego boundaries. Suddenly, everything is beautiful, and we are at one with the whole universe. Nothing has really changed but our perception. It is euphoric because it takes us back to that time as infants, when we could not separate ourselves from the world around us. When we were hungry, the whole universe was hungry. Our parents were merely an extension of ourselves, and they responded to our every whim. Of course, at some point, they ceased to do so, and it was a painful recognition that we had ego boundaries. Our parents would feed us when they felt best, not at our behest. Life was no longer so simple. We had to deal with the real world. Any apparent escape from this is a great relief.
The starting point is an improper focus. We are called by Christ to stand ready to serve, to be ready to minister to the genuine needs of others, as He defines them. If this is our focus, His promise is to meet all our needs. If, out of a sense of lonliness, we become conscious of a need to be in a romance, we tend to lose the ministry-oriented focus. It can easily become a subconscious exercise, sort of like turning on radar. Sooner or later, a target will be spotted. Something about this other person will trigger our interest, and cathexis will strike.
The truly sad part is that, at this point, we are not really in love with a person. We are in love with being in love. We may note actually care about this person, but care a great deal about what they do for us, what they "provide" us. As you can see, cathexis is wholly emotional, independent of rational thought. It is here that the danger is greatest. In order to secure a steady supply of this emotional drug, we go to great lengths to nail down this relationship. We may make all sorts of cosmetic changes in our behavior pattern, or our manner of dress, in an effort to appeal to this person's interest. I can't tell you how many times I've seen this sad ritual repeated.
Once the realtionship is established, we will struggle for a time to hide anything that may appear to be an imperfection ("warts") to keep from losing it. One of the symptoms of this is when your friends tease you about the dramatic changes, and you feel like you have to insist that you have always been like this. You end up altering all of your associations, even ending some, for the sake of the romance. Somewhere in the midst of all this, a kind of "customariness" sets in, and we spend our time with this other, doing the same things that at first thrilled us, but which now brings ennui. Eventually, the ego boundaries reassert themselves, and our old habits come back. To our growing horror, we find ourselves trapped in a relationship with someone we actually can't stand.
An example is the young lady I knew who was ordinarily rather mature and sensible. Like most kids, she liked contemporary music, and wore the average preppy styles of the middle class. She fell in love with (suffered cathexis over) a confirmed cowboy. He was attractive to her largely because he was comfortable with his real self and his life style. She bought and began wearing western clothes, and begin listening to country music stations. She succeeded in winning his affections. At some point, the relationship became uncomfortable to him. I gathered it was largely due to her possessiveness. He broke off their steady dating relationship. Her conversion to western style was immediately replaced with the hard rock style. She even went so far as to have her tongue pierced. in her effort to wash away the pain of her loss. It was just like involuntarily withdrawing from a drug addiction. She went around bad-mouthing him for a time. He ignored her jabs, and went on with his life.
The Principle of Propinquity ("nearness of time and place") is that we tend to care most for those with whom we spend the most time. This works for both good and bad. If you spend time in the comany of sinners, you will sympathize too much with their viewpoint. If your circle of friends includes guys and gals who don't put Jesus first, you will find your self open to an invitation to date them. Countless broken hearts result from the implied or actual approval you are giving to their morality. If you don't draw the line at some point, you will lose something prescious. If you do draw that line, you risk a very painful breakup.
On the other hand, the same principle applies to holy relationships founded on clear-headed choices. Veloyce and I have been married for over 20 years. We can't imagine where the time has gone; we still feel like newly weds. We built our relationship on a common commitment to follow Jesus wherever it lead us. I was in training to be a Baptist preacher at the time, commited to a lifetime of vocational service of Jesus. She, too, had felt the call. She fully expected to marry a preacher, and serve on some mission field. In light of what I knew about my own strengths and weaknesses, she seemed the best choice. There was nothing of cathexis in it for me. I found her neither especially attractive nor unattractive physically. She did not walk out of my dreams. She was simply the one best qualified for sharing the life I had chosen. It was enought that, after dating for some months, it was obvious that we could be friends, that we could get along with each other. Over the years, our commitment to serving Jesus together has made the bond between us unbreakable. The powerful, mind-numbing love that our movies and TV shows depict as the immediate result of finding that perfect ONE is ours due to a 20 year warm-up. Successful arranged marriages in the centuries past held all the potential of becoming just as fascinating as ours, because they were well thought-out matches. If you experience blinding emotion at the first, it won't be there for long.
Based on the above discussion, we can state several basic guidelines.
Feel free to ask me questions anytime. I really want this to work for you.
By Ed Hurst
Updated 29 December 2005
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